Sunday, 24 September 2017

When I look back upon my life, it's always with a sense of shame

When the media discuss depression, anxiety, mental illness etc they say that doing so helps relieve the stigma around the subject which very well may be the case. However it doesn't deal with the shame that surrounds it.

Of course your rational brain says 'you wouldn't be ashamed if you had a broken leg' or any other ailment \ disease but that doesn't help. It's the shame of not being able to "cope like everyone else" not to be 'normal' in simple situations that should be enjoyed or treated as mundane. The moment when your emotions overflow, you want the ground to swallow you up, to become invisible, to be anywhere else but where you can be seen by anyone even those closest to you and shame is the strongest emotion.

the shame of every excuse made
the shame of every lied told
the shame of every friendship wrecked
the shame of every opportunity missed
the shame of time wasted
the shame of moments not taken
the shame of your lack of control
the shame of inability to cope
the shame at your defencelessness
the shame of weakness
the shame that destroys your self worth
the shame that dissolves your confidence
the shame that makes you scared
the shame that never leaces you

I guess some might see shame and stigma as very much the same thing but even when people know about your depression or anxiety the shame you feel when it makes itself known to others remains.

That is something no amount of awareness days or publicity campaigns can undo.

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