Saturday, 11 February 2017

I'm not good at life

That Stephen Fry line about feeling you missed that one day at school where they explained to everyone else how to cope with life and do the simple things that everyone else finds so easy but you struggle with - well, the older you get the more you realise that many people must have missed that day too.

But it doesn't help.

It's ok telling your close friends and family about your depression and anxiety - well it isn't, it takes time but the worst thing is how you think that impacts everyone else.

When you meet friends of your friends you stack the deck so high against yourself that you just close down. Your lack of eye contact, your inability to talk openly about your life, your feeling that they have been "pre-warned" about your mental illness which makes them wary of you or suspicious. You know you will seem weird and distant because you can't just relax

This is not reality but it's my reality.

Each time you go into a new situation you try and hold your head up and make that important first impression but end up mumbling, looking at your shoes and stabbing yourself in the brain over and over again.

I never said I was a nice person so don't be surprised when I come off callous, catty, rude or just plain dumb. But I am also kind, considerate, thoughtful and tactful.

I'm still here through luck more than judgement -terrified of death and petrified about life

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