Sometimes some things just have to come out of your head cos they are searing with red hot pain. They often will not matter in a couple of hours but at the time they are all encompassing. So this is more for my benefit than anything else.
The thing is: I don't matter anymore
I haven't mattered for ages. Maybe I do to me but not to anyone else. No one has done anything to suggest that I matter to them and their lives. I used to. I once felt loved and that I mattered to a couple of special people. But I don't feel that anymore.
This may sound like a suicide note or a cry for help. It isn't either of those. Its just a realization that people don't NEED me around. Yes they may be pleased to see me from time to time but very rarely do people make the effort to invite me to places that they have to interact with me on anything but a superficial level.
I accept that may be something about me and I don't blame them.
I seriously considering jacking in the Facebook and Twitter last month
as I feel its an opportunity for people to be more impersonal. A "like"
can make people feel that they have been in contact so they don't need
to actually communicate properly with anyone. Maybe its just part of the increasingly isolated lives we all lead with little time to consider others.
Thing is, we're not here for long and you don't half regret it when people leave that you din't take the time to spend more time with them.
Some of my mates reading this may be thinking "well, thanks a bunch? Not doing a good enough job are we?". NO! You are all wonderful and give me so much help and support. I don't deserve you. I guess the Fall line "He Is Not Appreciated" is running round my head and I'm not sure who I need to feel that appreciation from and why. Maybe I'd like a surprise birthday party. Maybe I'd like all my friends to meet in a pub (or, lets face it, a booth in the snug) when I'm alive rather than after my funeral. Maybe I just need a hug right now.
And I know I have it good - a roof over my head, family, plenty of things to amuse me and too many records to play so feeling this way is crap. An acquaintance of mine is facing homelessness and such hardship due to this fucking evil government and I really have nothing to complain about in comparison.
Sort yerself out, get on with it etc So get busy living or get busy dying etc. As I said, tomorrow is another day and this may not weigh as heavily on my mind as it does now but in order to alleviate my crushing depression I have to splurge this shit out. I'm just sorry you have to read it.
If you have any insight that is just a stupid quip or joke - please, think it and then go on with your day cos if you think this is self pitying whining that shouldn't be taken seriously then I don't need to hear that.You may be right but I don't need to hear it.