Saturday, 14 April 2012

Yesterday my life was in ruins \ Now today I know what I'm doing

Its been a while since my last post. That's not because things have been going badly but rather that I've just been trying to get out in the world and get on with things and try to forget that I have anxiety that I feel the need to write about.

It hasn't been all plain sailing and there aren't moments where I still hate myself doe the way I make myself feel but there really is nothing that I have failed or backed away from. I have been continuing to try and take the train when I feel it is needed. I have gone to a couple of gigs and deliberately chosen seats in the middle of rows so as to try and break my habit of always sitting on the aisle.

This week was a bit of a milestone as I finished by course of CBT by mutual consent. Its taught me a lot and saved me from a real tailspin I was in at the beginning of the year. Its given me tools to combat my anxiety which I will probably use for the rest of my life. It may just be the power of positive thought but it works for me.

I still am trying to adjust to things - sometimes facing up to things I fear is very tiring and when I get tired I get very emotional. A couple of times recently that's spilt over onto Twitter and people have been concerned which is very sweet but there's no need to worry. A "chin up old son" message is very much appreciated however. I often wish I had someone to go through these battles with me but I realise I don't need anyone to physically hold my hand but the support and help I've got in person and with messages has helped in ways you can't imagine.

So this week when I finished my CBT I took a short trip on a train to do some shopping. had a bit of emergency dental work, went to a screening at the NFT which I travelled to by train both ways, including a detour to Camden, I went to a gig last night and was at the very front of a large crowded room with no "escape routes". On all these occasions my anxiety didn't make me change my plans, bottle out, back down or feel like a failure.

All this doesn't mean that I don't still hate being at the centre of large crowds, that train travel still makes me nervous, that I don't get claustrophobic sometimes and that I don't have those moments of doubt. I still have pretty low self esteem but I take much more comfort in the friendships I have than I do before. I think I'm always going to have to work hard on making sure that my life continues to expand rather than shrink.

But I think that right now I'm doing alright