I don't think that I've had a day as bad as today in a long time. And it wasn't my anxiety, that was fine. I didn't really do much so there wasn't much to get nervous about.
I've just had this feeling of complete despair, tiredness, loneliness and sheer bloody sadness all day. I think part of it is what I've been up to recently, changing the way I live, trying to push myself and beat my demons. The highs are great but the lows seem a lot deeper than I'm used to. Therapy does tend to mix you up a bit like this - you have to taked the good with the bad.
Its just a feeling that i don't belong anywhere, that I don't matter, that I'm a failure - and its not suicidal or anything like that, its just a helplessness. If only I drank or did some drugs I could escape for a while. I think the CBT has made me realise how different my life could become but how far I feel from that point that it might as well not exist
I wish i was stronger, better, smarter and.....just able to see what others see to like in me cos I just can't see it. Its so fucking hard to get rid of years of self doubt and this is the sort of whiny self pitying shite that I didn't want to write here. It just opens me up to all the ridicule and hateful thoughts that I pour on myself day upon day. And I don't blame anyone for thinking that I'm pathetic - cos I agree.
Thing is tomorrow I'm going to go out into the world and give all those demons a good kicking but right now I am so low down and scared on my own. I just wish today hadn't happened at all.
God I know I'm going to regret writing this tomorrow.