You can't see any way out, can't think clearly as it seeps into your head, thoughts get lost and gone. Whatever I try to do I can't disperse it. Its here for the duration and I just have to muddle through somehow. Other people's good fortune and happiness only make things worse so I just end up hiding away from the world. Its not anyone's fault but mine.
I try and do things to lift my mood of which music is the main one. There is a line in the film 'High Fidelity' "I don't know if I'm depressed cos I listen to depressing music or I listen to depressing music because I'm depressed". Well I find melancholy tunes more cathartic than depressing. Its the closest I get to any sort of religious experience. Loud, aggressive sounds can only take you so far getting rid of anger and frustration - you need the soothing balm to make things feel better
This past two weeks have been by far the worst for some time. Anyone who has encountered me must have been aware that something is wrong and its nothing that you could have done. It takes a room full of people to make you realise how lonely you are with your life problems. How I wish I had a hand to hold and how I can't let anyone get that close to me the state I am in. I have nothing to offer anyone.
I try thinking positively and I have some great friends that help but I often think that is more out of pity than friendship. People feel sorry for me which is why they stick with me. Then I get down about treating the friendship of those I love this way.
The recent media hysteria over on line bullying of children missed out one pertinent point. Those horrid little viscous kids grow up to be nasty vindictive adults far more sophisticated in their abuse. I got a dose of that recently by a group of people who gathered together to use things I have written on this blog to berate and hurt me. The things that they said weren't the problem but the effort that was made to try and make me feel bad. It hit me at just the wrong\right moment to have the right\wrong effect.
And when you are down you can't help but feel there must be something about you that makes people feel that way towards you.
Now I know why friends never seem to invite me out with them. Why they wouldn't want to spend time with me. I always have to suggest meeting up otherwise I wouldn't see another friendly face for weeks. This may be how my depression twists things but from my POV - I'm not someone people want around. If this all sounds like self pity - correct, well done, have a biscuit. Doesn't help for a fucking second.
This is very much a snapshot of how my depression is right now. Tomorrow is a new week and it may lift as quickly as it arrived. I hope it will, its all I can do.
At this moment, on a Sunday night in 2013 - I feel I have nothing. And no-one.