So there's two of them. A blue one and a white one.
I used to hate taking tablets as a kid. Had to empty the contents out and a spoonful of sugar helped the medicine go down. If I tried to just swallow tablets with water it would be like my tongue was a pill magnet, whatever happened the pills just refused to shift down my throat.
Some people hate the thought of taking any pills long term. They don't want to be reliant on anything, addicted or dependent on the pharmaceutical companies and THE MAN. I sort of did too. After about 18 months I decided that was quite long enough and it was time to be free again.
Except that my brain doesn't function well without them. I went back to times when I was rooted to the spot, unable to go down a street as my brain was full of fear and confusion. To times when I was fearful of waking up. The whizzing light headed feeling of withdrawal only lasted a while but the constant anxiety was more than I could bear. So since then I've been back on the drugs
I've found that therapy is all very well but I need those chemicals to enable me to live my life. Without them I wouldn't be typing this as I would have given up long ago. I used to think this was pathetic but have now decided that it what I need to survive. It may be the easy way, it may be the cowards way but unlike other people I know I've had no side effects.
Without them I had a constant nausea in the pit of my stomach, I was irritable and angry as I felt so out of control. The anxiety would be 24/7 that vibrating edge to life that would never stop. I so wish I could be like you people who don't need them. Then again I don't need alcohol, nicotine or other illegal drugs to keep calm and stay centered. Is there really much difference when it comes down to it?
The drugs have given me the freedom to live, I thought that would come with giving them up but it just made me run back to a smaller and darker place. They are not a 100% reliable suit of armour but they alleviate most of the bad bits and make the rest easier to cope with.
At the end of the day - it's what works