Friday, 17 February 2012

I wish that for just one time, You could stand inside my shoes



But in these shoes? I don't think so..

So I did the train trip up to London thing on Thursday - look I have a picture to prove it



And I thought it would be helpful to sort of piece together what my thoughts were like on that journey so you can get an idea of how my anxiety effects something that other people do without  a thought. It also gives me a chance to see how I behave and how my mind (sort of) works

So I was planning to go up on Wednesday but because the cold I had was weighing heavy on my chest it gave me anxiety like symptoms so I bottled it. It'd be like giving myself extra problems to deal with. So I decided to wait for it to clear up. Luckily by Thursday it had buggered off

Unlike the time before when I travelled up this wasn't on the spur of the moment so my brain had time to start getting nervous about it the night before, And in the morning, nothing serious but just a low level background hum of tension.

So got to the station, the train was already there so had no time to think and was on. Put on ipod and latched onto Spiritualized 'Ladies & Gents' LP which starts soothing and then gets loud and epic. Feeling a bit nervous, have to think about what my inner "chatterbox" is doing and how its making me feel. Runs along the lines of

"what-are-you-doing-youre-not-gonna-be-able-to-cope-if-something-goes-wrong-like-what?-like-heart-attack-or-its-anxiety-you-fucking-twat-its-ok-i-can-getup-and-pretend-to-faint-as-people-will-look-after-me-thats-pathetic-yes-but-iwon't-feel-so-alone-with-this-but-that-will-be-terrible-and-you'll-never-do-this-again-thats-true-and-besides-there-is-nothing-anyone-can-do-i'd-just-have-to-calm-down-myself-
its-all-me-just-doing-it-to-myself-yes-radiohead-very-clever-you-idiot-ok-breathing-get-it-under-control-well-whats-normal-breathing-usually-i-just-do-it-i'm-not-thinking-about-how-long-it-takes-between-breaths-do-i?!"

Go and sit by the train toilet in case I have to go in there to 'not vomit' (cos it never happens for me during PA's) or if I want to hide if it all gets too much. Feel a little better and try positive thoughts, (its a thought not a fact,, its a thought not a fact,, its a thought not a fact) and looking out at the industrial wastelands around Slough. Hate the fact that trains are such sterile airless tubes these days and that opening a window is akin to child abuse. Still, try and let the music and things around me distract me. I find I can't read cos a) it seems like I'm doing some purposeful DISTRACTION so my brain revolts  and b) cos it makes me a little travel sick. Tweet a couple of things but that also makes me feel weird. Still I feel more distracted and calmer. Several times I just have to take deep breaths and relax. That low level tension never leaves but this experience is nowhere near as bad as last time. If last time was an 8 this was about a 3

We reach Paddington and the tube to Camden and back was an absolute breeze. I think my Ipod helped. Instead of just calming music I had it on random. I found myself doing some "secret dancing" (fans of Collings and Herrin will know what I mean) particularly to a good run of Motown and Northern Soul.

Before long I was back at Paddington for the home straight. Was about 3pm and I thought "hmm, not eaten today, maybe I should try something" so got a sandwich from Whistlestop (hilarious) and found my train. It wasn't until we were about 5 mins in that I took a couple of bites of sandwich. After feeling OK for ten minutes, had a couple more bites. Uh oh, feeling weird about this, anxiety rising, its a thought not a fact,  its a thought not a fact, its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact,its a thought not a fact, feeling better. Manage to get back to as normal as I can and finish off one sandwich just as I arrive back at home station.

Overall that trip was much easier than before and this is the key. I've got to keep doing these things until they no longer hold that fear for me. Of course I have to address my fear of eating\drinking then travelling but one step at a time and I did a bit of that already. I think now I have to apply these methods to other parts of my life and raise my general self worth and confidence.

So I feel I'm working at things. I'm aiming to add a couple of things to my life over the next couple of weeks that will shake up my routine. It would be nice if I could find a job but I'm not alone with that one by any means.

Onwards and upwards.....

2 comments:

  1. Well, if you WILL eat British Rail sandwiches!

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  2. Hurrah! A fine expedition, well done indeed.

    ReplyDelete