Wednesday, 15 February 2012

I cried the other night, I can't even say why

I don't think that I've had a day as bad as today in a long time. And it wasn't my anxiety, that was fine. I didn't really do much so there wasn't much to get nervous about.

I've just had this feeling of complete despair, tiredness, loneliness and sheer bloody sadness all day. I think part of it is what I've been up to recently, changing the way I live, trying to push myself and beat my demons. The highs are great but the lows seem a lot deeper than I'm used to. Therapy does tend to mix you up a bit like this - you have to taked the good with the bad.

Its just a feeling that i don't belong anywhere, that I don't matter, that I'm a failure - and its not suicidal or anything like that, its just a helplessness. If only I drank or did some drugs I could escape for a while. I think the CBT has made me realise how different my life could become but how far I feel from that point that it might as well not exist

I wish i was stronger, better, smarter and.....just able to see what others see to like in me cos I just can't see it. Its so fucking hard to get rid of years of self doubt and this is the sort of whiny self pitying shite that I didn't want to write here. It just opens me up to all the ridicule and hateful thoughts that I pour on myself day upon day. And I don't blame anyone for thinking that I'm pathetic - cos I agree.

Thing is tomorrow I'm going to go out into the world and give all those demons a good kicking but right now I am so low down and scared on my own. I just wish today hadn't happened at all.

God I know I'm going to regret writing this tomorrow.

4 comments:

  1. You're doing amazingly well. Of course it's so difficult changing your life and stepping into the unknown. Your head is playing tricks on you and trying to scare you back into what feels "comfortable" and familiar; well done for pushing on regardless.

    Said it before and I'll say it again, i'm proud to know you. X

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  2. My CBT stuff has caused me the same problems. It can be so hard to feel the bad bits while being more self aware. Before CBT, I let my feelings guide my behaviour and was pretty oblivious to it all. Now I understand what is happening and it makes me feel a lot worse when I hit the lows.

    After a few months, if you have a similar experience to me, you start to distance yourself from those low points and they just stop feeling so bad. But it always gets worse before it gets better.

    Stick with it, it wil get better.

    Anyway, the invite is there as always mate. Any time you feel the need to get out and just have a change of scenery, let me know. I'm always around.

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  3. Hey Dave,
    The fact that you are opening up and working towards resolution and ultimate victory over these debilitating things shows a great inner fortitude.
    Hannah is right to say "your head is playing tricks" - that's what happens. The ego is safe in the familiar comforts of misery and self-destructive patterns - that doesn't define YOU though - it's YOU who has taken the reins and is plotting the journey towards freedom...it's fighting to not let that happen but YOU will gradually gain breathing space.
    Something I have learned from my three years seeing my consultant is that you shouldn't look on this conflict as a struggle - all it is doing is trying to keep you safe. Have a chat with it internally and reassure it that you're in control and what you're doing is for it's good as well. Sounds daft maybe but it's a good healing tool. It just takes a bit of doing, some days/weeks you will feel hellish, that you're not worth the effort, that it's not fair (and it isn't!) but each tiny step forward leads to something far bigger and more beautiful. Sometimes we slip back down three steps on the ladder but we climb up two and then another two and so on.
    All the best
    Maria Callous

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Maria

      Yes that does make a lot of sense. Its that "can't get used to something so right" feeling that Paul Simon sings about.

      Thanks for reading and for your support

      DFB

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